Because they think it's a swell idea to hand out free copies of Maxim. To women!

However, to its credit, Maxim is a great magazine to dissect, to see how they portray/construct hegemonic masculinity. After perusing the magazine, I propose they change their name from Maxim to Erect Penis because every punchline and end result seems to hint as that being of prime importance. Ultimately, Maxim does the same thing to men that magazines targeted at women do: attempt to convince them if they don't have a repository of naked women, have sex 24/7 (unless you've cut out five to ten minutes from that to read Maxim, of course), own trendy clothing, smell a certain way, or use the right deodorant (because god forbid you have deodorant residue) they're useless as human beings. It's not exactly a shocking revelation by any means, but the mainstream mentality simply reminds me precisely why magazines are essentially dead to me.

I don't remember how I stumbled upon it on Wikipedia, but, now, for the first time in years, I want to subscribe to a magazine. The magazine in question? Bitch (www.bitchmagazine.org). I want to learn more about feminism, and after browsing a few articles on this site, Bitch has successfully earned a spot on my list of awesome. And, they make me wish I came of age in the early-90s so I could've snagged a subscription to Sassy instead of Teen and YM like I ended up doing. Man, was I sold to advertisers (side note: I'm kind of writing an essay about the topic).

My interest in feminism stems from my Men's Lives class, of course; but more immediately, it's taken root from Emily S. (not using full names on this blog anymore because people Google themselves), a girl that lived in my residence hall last year. We're friends on Facebook, and she identifies as a feminist. Anyway, she's doing an internship with Ms. Magazine and has been posting all these wonderful links this summer that I've been clicking on, learning more. Feminism used to be something I avoided (along with any discussions about race) because I thought it was a touchy subject, because of the negative stigma attached to these words, these topics. But now, I feel like I have to learn as much as I can, just because there's so much I don't know, so much I wish I knew when I was younger. I wish I had known earlier. I earnestly believe I would have been a better person for it. I really want to intern for Bitch next summer.

Is it just me, or was LJ down for the past two days? I kept trying to visit, but my browser/Internet connection was not having it.

Oh, did I mention: Now, thanks to MLK-threatening letter sent earlier this month, I actually volunteer somewhere. Who woulda thunk it? I work at a food pantry in Bed-Stuy as an intake worker, meaning, I put people's names and info in the database so they can get food and give them job referrals if they want/ask for it. I really like it; both because it requires me to use WINDOWS LOL (which is pretty easy to troubleshoot if anything goes wrong), and I interact with people that I normally wouldn't interact with. Of course, no healthy food in the area, so I bring in a lunch box, lol (mostly because I haven't used a lunch box since eighth grade). I've been off refined sugars/enriched food for so long that my body can't process junk. Even if I had the desire to eat it (which I don't, thanks), I just end up feeling like shit for days.

Life's been going well. I'm ready to go back to school and give it my all (even though that sounds totally tacky), but I don't feel a particular aversion to Long Island. To be honest, I don't hate being here. There are aspects of the suburban lifestyle I don't like, such as being completely dependent on gas-guzzling cars to get pretty much anywhere, and, yes, I would rather live in NYC, but LI's close enough to NYC that it's not a disaster and a half to live here. Once I let go of my pretensions, it's not so bad here. And there are high-speed Internets

I don't know what my "best" or "all" will entail, but I will make a list about it:

My Goals for the Fall 2009 Semester

• Find a volunteer opportunity I have Habitat as a backup, of course, but I want to find something I love, something I'm passionate about. It'll matter more to me, I'll be more passionate and engaged. I'd love to do something with food policy; but the Cornell Co-op Extension is the only thing I can think of at the moment and I get the sense that they only do seasonal things. Maybe I can volunteer at Planned Parenthood?
  
  
• Don't make everything about grades Yes, I have a scholarship that is requiring me to maintain a 3.3 GPA. But I'm obviously doing well for myself outside of that requirement. I don't want to fret so much about grades and worry more about craft (which I guess I have to, since four out of the five main classes I'm taking this semester are writing courses). If I worry about things in terms of grades only, that becomes reductive, an encumbrance to learning something like how to write a feature, for instance. Yes, there are classes I'm taking as prerequisites for other classes or because it's required for my major, but they're still opportunities to learn new things. That should be my final objective. Plus, I am taking the least amount of credits since...Spring 2008 (15 credits), so that should be something, at the very least. My classes are in a horrifying cram sandwich that starts at 9:25 AM and doesn't let up until 5:15 PM, so I am a bit scared.
  
  
• Live I don't do a very good job at this, I let myself get absorbed in my work and don't do much else outside that. I'm scared because many of the people I talk to regularly are moving off campus and I'm scared I'll either limit or completely cut off interaction with them AND THE HUMAN RACE minus my professors because of it. So I think I'll go out to at least one event a week and work out hanging out with people for lunch/dinner, especially on my free days.
  
  
• Spend less money I spend money so frivolously, it's ridiculous. I think logging my expenses as they happen will hopefully put my ridiculousness into harrowing perspective.
  
  
• Stop being so passive Being passive gets me in a lot of unnecessary situations. I really need to become an advocate for myself, for my own good above anything else.

I think bed is going to happen. I'm feeling the telltale marks of sleepiness.

I moved my wisdom surgery up to this Friday.

That's two days from now.

I'm scared.

Twenty-two years and a B.A. degree in Political Science later, my mother has finally decided that it's okay for my sister to sleep over at someone else's house. It might just be too little, too late for that, mom.

I really don't enjoy it when my mom tries to talk to me because it too often devolves into lecturing me over what I should and shouldn't do. During these exchanges, I can't help but think snarky thoughts, like, "As if I needed your help," but I just feel all too aware of how much of an entitled asshole I'm being. And when I think of how little maintenance of the relationship with my parents actually requires, I wonder if I'm just getting out of line. I feel like the spoiled kid, blinded by her own privilege. At any rate, this is the last summer I ever stay at home, doing nothing. Long Island just invites too many opportunities to be frustrated, caged in.

Yesterday was just one of those quintessential nights that I would have updated LiveJournal about the second I got home if I was sixteen years old and not disillusioned. It was the first time I felt comfortable conversing in a large group. It was just an undeniable combination of good people and good food on a good night.

I've become quite the health nut recently; surprising even myself. I've become just the kind of person I'd have been uneasy about a few years prior. I feel like I'm alienating my family with my views because no one really wants to engage with them; and the "way things are" is the way out. It's frustrating.

I would really like to travel this summer; but with tickets getting as expensive as they are, I'm not sure how realistic that goal is. I'm scared my life is going to stagnate, that I'll just be contented with the "Long Island mentality."

I've got so much crap in my room I really just need to part with. Old notebooks from high school? Don't think I'm going to ever use those. But I've been avoiding cleaning for a number of weeks, because I don't want to confront the reality of throwing those away; the fear I'm making a big mistake.

WHY WAS JOHN CLEESE AT CORNELL AND I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT

My favorite pair of comfortable jeans are deteriorating at a steady rate. There was a little tiny hole when I first intercepted them from my mom, that is now gaping.

This would be totally great, and I wouldn't mind if the hole wasn't adjacent to my crotch and I wasn't going to college somewhere where the average high is six degrees.

Damn it.

You know, I think I just might DreamWidth it when it comes online. I'm tiring of LJ and how it's been failing life. The change would be nice.

In other news, I love how it's barely been a week and I already have quizzes and tests. Wryyyyyyyyyyy?

Maybe updating LJ should be on my list of priorities for 2009, but I honestly can't muster up the enthusiasm to update this site aside from randomxcore.

Also, having some "religious persecution" themed dreams. Like, I always curse in a church, some person gets cheesed off and tries to get me in trouble/killed...I wonder if it means anything?

As for "resolutions?" I'm procrastinating on those a bit. Maybe I'll have some drafted out by today. Maybe not. Let's see if I kept with any from last year...

• Try to stop thinking about her, She Who Will Not Be Named I would say pass, a couple of times, she's popped into my head, but overall she's become less of a component in my life


• Try to expand my social circle onlineMy social circle shrunk even more this year, in mid-July stopped going on AIM completely, fail


• Try not to curb my emotions as much in real life/be more proactive fail


• Use the phone moreEven more paranoid about using the phone now, fail


• Try not to let my overactive imagination fill in the blanks for what I believe people's personalities are going to be Managed to ruin a potential friendship because of this, fail


• Trust my instincts I'd say I'm about the same now as I was last year, N/A


• Never “study” with Sherry Not living in the same building really put a damper on things, pass


• Try to get more involved with extracurricular activities/actually make a list and stick to it fail


• Stay organized and on top of things I failed so hard at this it's pathetic


So, I mostly failed...old habits die hard.

And, now, for the ol' Year-End ( meme )

I'm addicted to failblog.org (but it's Professor Bob's fault!).

Onto more serious matters: As you all may or may not know, I go to college in Upstate New York. Yet, the unfortunately truth is unfolding that I may spend my entire four years without ever, once, playing in the snow.

It snowed today; perfect snow, the type that packs easily, the type you can hear crunch under your feet. And not only could I not play because of finals and all the work I have to do, there is something about playing alone that's very desolate, I suppose. I'd like to just lie in the snow and think, but I feel like I don't have time to even do that. And this has happened two years in a row, and that was the entire point of going to college in fucking Upstate New York, you know? And I can't even have that. I'm jaded. It hurts to walk to the library and see ecstatic college students leaping into the snow, making snow angels, having snowball fights, and no one would even want to do that with me. I like walking in the snow, but I can't help but feel like I'm short changing myself.

I can't help but feel like I'm failing everything. I should be doing my chemistry paper, not blogging on LJ.

I realize I haven't been investing a lot of time in LiveJournal as of late. Half of it is lack of time, but the other half is lack of motivation. I haven't felt the need to be introspective or time to do so, and I think that is alarming to me, but mainly because it was something I was terrified would happen inevitably.

So instead of writing a long entry attempting to recap, I will just make a spur of the moment list of thoughts I am having at this exact moment, or actions I have taken recently:

• I have this fucked up sense of pride I really do. Part of it is just an outgrowth of me being stubborn, but basically, my friend Jess had this story she wanted me to read since July. I hadn't ever made time to read it; I admit it's one of my weaknesses (making time). The last IM she sent me was very passive-aggressive and peeved (understandably so! She sent me this thing in fucking JULY and I hadn't read it yet!). I felt hurt after this communication, but after considering the circumstances, I realized I was clearly in the wrong here. So I vowed I wasn't going to speak to her, that I no longer deserved the privilege of speaking to her, until I read that story. And a few days ago, I finally read the story and sent her an extensive critique about it (that could have been still more extensive). Reflecting on it, it's kind of fucked up how I chose to deal with it, but at the same time, it's a typically "me" way to deal with it.



• I submit an application for an Online Savings Account I have no idea if this was smart, considering the market being what it is and everything, but I'm taken by an obsession with saving and an unrealistic hope to go back to London to see a certain someone lol, which I think will ultimately manifest itself by going back in the spring of my junior year, but ultimately I shall see what happens? Plus, unlike 1929, the FDIC exists!



• I have the kitty cat dance stuck in my head thx, mikey



• Chris has gotten me obsessed with This American Life And I can't wait to get to the Sedaris broadcast. I was listening to "Fear of Sleep" two days ago and Joel Lovell's story really caught my attention (I was originally listening for Mike Birbiglia's story). It made me think, specifically, "Wow, I wish I could write as well as he speaks," which I say as a potential personal essayist. I want to listen to more of his stuff, as well as Starlee Kine's stuff. Her bit on her parents' divorce was really heartbreaking to hear.

Actually, I think I could write a whole entry about how awesome talking to Chris is and how I completely lose track of time talking to him because he is just so entertaining; if given the chance.

I think I'll opt for sleep instead.

As for what Yonne said about "nice guys," it completely and totally applies to my situation in the past entry.

EDIT (1:34 AM): OH YEAH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THIS LONG TIME AGO

( meme, stolen again from julie )

Okay, so let's discuss my immense loathing of Apple Computer!

My hard drive tanked last July, as I mentioned in a previous entry, but apparently not previous entries before that one. I sent it to a data recovery company, they were only able to recover my photos, so the story goes. My lappy was chuffed back to Apple (the computer is just over a year old, and still under warranty); repair was supposed to be done in two weeks.

So, tell me why they can't fix the actual hard disk because of liquid damage (which is completely unrelated to the current issue; there was liquid damage but this was from last December and fails to be relevant now) unless I shell out $755. Wow, Apple, really? So, this company wanted me to shell out this amount, twice, now, yet they conveniently neglect to mention it's their fault I had a shitty hard drive in my computer to begin with (that you would have probably refurbished and put in someone else's computer anyway; creating a major privacy breach)?

At this point, the least you can do is cover the repair under warranty; and it appalls me that this sham of a company won't even do that. Well, enjoy it now; because this is the last time I ever buy an Apple product, and I'll likely be encouraging others to do the same. Your company is fucking high on itself anyway, with your shitty proprietary iPhones and iPods with built-in obsolescence, and in my humble opinion, long overdue for a bitchslapping.

I don't know what my parents are going to do when they hear about this. It's certainly unfeasible for me to us e public computers this entire semester; especially when I have so much sensitive information at this time of year that I'm trying to handle on line. I'm doing my best with logging out, but I'm scared that I'm going to be careless, and that potential to be careless is something I don't want to keep risking day after day. But purchasing a new computer that doesn't run fucking Windows Vista or paying $750 for the repairs...it's a lose-lose situation either way.

Aside from Apple doing everything in its power to fuck up my life, I had a great day - although the way I phrased this sentence doesn't make this sentiment sound very sincere. Steve Skopik really isn't the scary/vindictive professor I built him up to be, mostly out of fear for his syllabus. He helped me load film into my camera (the steps of which I'm going to have to write down at some point today) today, so I'm ready to get snapping, but at the same time, in light of our cliche lecture, I really want to pay attention to what message I want to create/send when I'm taking photographs - I don't want to take a photograph of just anything because I have a good quality camera, or anything. So it makes me a lot more hesitant to whip it out; it makes me really think before I snap.

I saw Jim Swafford today! I was at the final end of my trek to Smiddy, wearing sunglasses (and I'm particularly proud of my aesthetic choices for clothing today, but this isn't quite the point), and he has, what I always thought was very distinctive hair, but he was wearing some sort of cowboy hat, so we almost missed one another, but I'm so glad we ran into one another/I recognized him in time. He is one of the faces I was most eager to see, but I was worried I wouldn't run into him, so I am so immensely exuberant that I saw him! Of course, I gave him a hug, surprising even myself, and he gave me authorized permission to stalk his life said I was welcome to come up and talk during his office hours anytime; which I wanted to do, but I thought it'd be weird because I don't have a class with him this semester (but I really want to take a course with him next semester).

I also admire the fact that he can turn my tongue into jello. It was just shaking, and didn't really feel like a tongue, somehow.

MLK Seminar was amazing, too! And, I have a hot date with Jess and Courtney at 6:00 and hopefully many more hot dates later this year, all of which will involve tongue and Guitar Hero tomorrow. I'm souped.

So, I've got a response for Personal Essay (with Professor Bob, who has, after two classes, gains the designation of "awesome" in my collective recollection) and my entry paper for Understanding Capitalism, both due tomorrow! And La Vincita is closed, so I can't get coffee. This should be interesting, if not completely agonizing.

I am so royally ticked off right now.

Not only did they move the Writing Center and Department to Smiddy Hall, which is on the outskirts of campus and really inconvenient to get to, the Writing Department. Is on the fucking fourth floor.

I am not pleased. At all.

They moved Philosophy and Religion to Park, which, I suppose is an upgrade from the basement of Dilingham, but I'm pretty sure that Park will kick them out too. I fucking hate Park. Elitist fucks.

I meant to type up this entry a lot earlier than now – I've been sick since Sunday. Note to self: Eating fast food three days in a row is a terrible idea. Never again. The only good thing about having your excretory system fail to work and being on a diet of Gatorade A.M. is that it really makes me appreciate the value of simply being mobile. That, and when I wasn't cooped up in the bathroom, I, surprisingly enough, develop enough of an attention span to get a lot of reading done in bed. The Nanny Diaries was brilliant, and now I'm working on My Sister's Keeper. Perhaps this is more of a testament to my nerdiness than anything else, but I also find, due to my writing classes, I'm analyzing why books have good first lines that draw me in, the voice of characters, and so on.

The past couple of days have made me realize that I really do have amazing friends. Sometimes, I do worry when I hang out with Alex and all of them because I'm usually in such a large group and usually not dabbling in whatever substances are of choice that evening, but whenever Alex and I are alone on our late night drives, it really restores my faith in our friendship. We always manage to have those crucial conversations, those life-revelations. And, hanging out with Jess and Laura is often too much awesome for me to handle, but most importantly, it makes me feel like I do have insightful things to contribute, and I can be funny, and vital to a conversation. It's alarming, and it always throws me off because it's not a feeling I experience often when I'm in Ithaca.

I think if I have any other goals for this year besides not dying, it would be to have faith in people's ability to find me a likable person. It's not really something I honestly believe people can conclude about me.

These next five days are probably going to be some of the most stressful in my life.

( because i don't have image editing software to resize/put a 1px border around )

Oh hay, I'm still alive.

I've had computer access and everything (and on Kubuntu Linux!), but somehow, my desktop doesn't really feel like home, and maybe due to lack of a fan (which, after two years, I still haven't ordered!), after a couple of hours on, the system just kind of freezes up and I have to restart. That aside, for whatever reason, I can't muster the attention span or willpower to update this thing on a regular basis. That, or more simply said, I can't really be too compelled to update when nothing happens on Long Island and I have just been stewing for the past month in mind-numbing boredom.

As some of you may know, my Macbook hard drive kicked the bucket a couple of weeks ago and I, in my infinite wisdom, failed to do a backup. I lost everything.

I sent it to a data recovery company Apple recommended to me. The price, if any data was recovered, was steep but I decided it was worth it because there was no price that could be placed on what I lost. I wasn't terribly optimistic about the status of my data, and so attempts were made to rewrite, at the very least, my reflections.

So, today, I got the call well, technically, I called them, but. The news wasn't good, but I think I'm okay with it. Basically, the platter damage on my hard drive was so bad, they weren't able to recover much else besides my pictures (I would have been much happier with Word Documents...ah well), which they got with a RAW scan on four DVDs. The good news is because so little data was actually recovered, they're only going to charge $100 instead of the much steeper $800. Now that's something I can get behind (I know I'm not actually paying for this myself, but it helps me assuage my guilt about flushing so much of my dad's money down the toilet...and so on). I'm happy to have my pictures. I didn't take many freshman year, but there were Buzzsaw/London pictures (the majority of my London pictures are still backed up on my SD card, but the first couple of days are gone). Plus, there is a ton of moping that is totally wiped but would have been nice to laugh at ten years from now.

I definitely won't have my laptop before school starts, but I should have it just a bit after school starts. I'm definitely not enjoying how everything is imploding because of my parents' (and by my parents, I mean my dad procrastinating and my mom bugging me because said dad is procrastinating) "hey-I-know-a-great-idea-let's-do-everything-at-the-absolute-last-minute" strategy. I'm excited for school starting and living in Sustainable housing (which, apparently, Fred is living in - yay!), but at the same time, I'm terrified at the amount of work I've chosen to subject myself to. My stomach is getting a bit queasy right now thinking about both next week, and the work, however, I think the work easily supersedes the cesspool of boredom that is Long Island.


In other news that won't quite fit elsewhere:

• I like to believe I'm a road warrior and I have the aching pains to show for it I'll hopefully have a car to show for it in about a week


• I'm officially nineteen years of age


• I'm having existential dilemmas about purchasing American Apparel tees - they look so comfortable, and yet, I have no clue if I'm actually motivated enough to purchase them


• I would very much enjoy new music recommendations


• I am getting my first "real" camera soon and I am souped but terrified for the class

I could have sworn I had more things to randomly itemize, but it has all escaped me. I suppose I'll blame it all on my decrepit memory. Because I can.

Regina Spektor at 5PM in McCarren Park Pool, whee! If she plays Consequence of Sounds, it will make my life.

( let me not be obnoxious and use an lj-cut )

So, obviously, I'm back in America, this great Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. I don't think I'm quite done with wrapping my mind around my whole transatlantic journey of sorts. I took many pictures that were not very good, which I'm still in the process of sorting through and will eventually upload to Facebook. I'm a bit disappointed - I'd feel a lot better if I actually had someone to discuss the experience with so I could properly process it, I suppose, but so far, no takers!

So, let's talk about how I'm basically going to die next semester: I'm taking seven classes next semester! That's right. Seven. I'm taking my MLK Seminar for no credit because I really don't want to pay for any more credits - I'm already over one because of Intro to Photography, but I totes forgot about the MLK Seminar until Nansa e-mailed us about it - in the first e-mail, the way she phrased it made it sound like the seminar was optional, and I don't want to take it - I mean, I do, ideally, if time wasn't finite, but I'd rather not die! Turns out, upon a follow-up e-mail, it's kind of compulsory! I can't even think about how much work I'm going to be stymied in next semester, and that's not even counting extracurricular activities/volunteering (also compulsory for MLK, and I have no clue what I want to do yet!). The semester hasn't even started yet and I already want to collapse under the weight of all these obligations. Yet, I do want to remind myself to keep a cool head -- it's not like I have a life I need to be getting to or anything. I remember with Spring '08, the thing I was most frustrated about was that I was so. Goddamn. Bored. All the time because I was taking too few classes; academically, it was an easy semester for me and I think the fact I had "no life," as I put it, became more apparent than I would have liked. So I'll have a semester where the exact opposite is true! Yayz for me?

Plus, I suppose it's better that all this work is over the Fall Semester (which for some reason, psychologically, I feel is longer than the Spring?). I feel like there are more breaks and the work is spread out over more time.

Looking back at a lot of my recent entries (basically anything I wrote during college), I can't help but realize how superficial the content I write is. I feel like when I was in high school, I made more of an effort to include social commentary; not as something that is contrived and pretentious, but as things I was genuinely alarmed at. I can't help but feel like my writing has become more self-centered, and any insights I do have get curbed in favor of my "ironically detached" mode of dealing with things or completely skimmed over. And they are real things I should discuss, shouldn't be afraid to discuss, after all, this is my own journaling space, as it were! I feel the problem is I censor myself to an excessive degree because of my perceived (and probably imagined) audience. And I've always been doing it, as long as I've been blogging! And maybe being self-centered is simply a virtue of blogging itself - blogging is inherently a self-absorbed activity, but I feel like it helps me try to make sense of things - that's why I've been doing it since I was eleven or twelve, one of those ages. But my friends have always managed to inject social commentary in their blogging as well, perhaps as virtue of being older, and I feel like I've very much subscribed to the same culture I've been trying to reject all these years, and I'm disgusted by it, I am. I want to be more aware of the world I'm in and how I fit in relation to it, but I want my insights to be organic, not a pretentious gimmick.

I feel like I lost that as I got older along with my image editing prowess, which I'd like back, kthx. I can't shake this creeping, inching feeling, that I'm changing for the worse.

Things were less complicated when I was young, I've decided.

Ian, I know I sent you a ridiculously long message, but I'm so impatient, even though I know it's only been two days! Reply to my e-mail!

Suddenly, I have an unexplainable craving for pasta. With lots of carbonara sauce, mmm.

Just get a load of these paper topics:

1) Write a 1,500 word article for a British quality newspaper discussing whether new communications technologies make our lives better or worse.

2) Imagine you are the chief executive of a traditional TV network. How would you plan for the changes posed by digitization and new distribution methods?

3) You've got a great idea for a new drama series and an open mind about how it might be developed. Discuss the options presented to you by new and 'now' media.

What the hell, Bevan? I mean, granted, I was a bit apprehensive to do this paper because Ian gave us the last two papers, but this was not the reason I was petrified to do a Bevan paper. I fare terribly at these "imagine you were" prompts. I suppose because I'm not very imaginative. But, how does he want these to be written? I mean, I suppose in the larger sense, I'll manage somehow, but these prompts are pretty unconventional at best. It's all the more amusing because Bevan doesn't strike me as the type of professor that would pull this.

I'm going back to the States in ten days, and no thought seems more repulsive.

Have a meme, I stole it from Julie!

( meme-time is gud time )

Oh classes. I'm scared that essays are due so soon. I have one for British Media due June 4, and that's pretty damn soon. And we really need to not have class on the comfy couches because I keep falling asleep. Bevan is so cool and I really like him, he's funny, but I keep falling asleep through him and nodding off and I feel TERRIBLE. Ian's teaching tomorrow and he's really cool too (I wish they taught together all the time because the two of them are a hoot), so hopefully I'll stay awake for him.

I'm going to blame it on the jetlag.

I'm back on the Island.

I've actually been back on the Island for a while, but nothing has really compelled me to update. I've just been that bored. Well, that's how it goes on the Island, I suppose.

Final grades went up today. Owing to the fact that with the exception of Intro to Creative Writing, I essentially took all electives this semester, I got an A in almost every class I took except Critical Thinking, where, because of the contract grading system, I got a B+. So, I could have, essentially, had a 4.0 if it weren't for that grading system. Instead, for this semester, I have a 3.86 GPA, and a 3.8 cumulative GPA, which, of course I'm not complaining about.

Also, next semester is going to royally kick my ass. Not only am I taking a class with Naeem, which is going to kill my life, but some schedule conflicts emerged due to my minor, still photography, so not only will I be taking over eighteen credits next semester, I also looked at the syllabus for Intro to Photography with Steve Skopik, my advisor, and it is yikes. Taking the fact that I'm a shitty photographer into hand (objectively, my photos are poorly composed and most people detag my pictures on Facebook), the thought of other people criticizing my work is horrifying.

On Thursday, I went to the bookstore with my dad to pick up guides/a travel journal for London, and I ended up throwing in a bajillion books just because I can and when I come back from London, I know I'll be crazy bored and I'll have to do something to hold myself off until late August, when I go back to Ithaca. And when I'm around books, naturally, I have to get them because I'm ridiculous.

Some books I got:

Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
Rant, Chuck Palahniuk
Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad (which I have to read because everyone who is everyone references it and/or has read it)
Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman

And, I got this Moleskine for my travel journal (London, obv). Because just look. It's amazing.

Hah, my dad's amazing, because after we got the books, he was like, "You know your mom's going to be really upset that you got all these books, right?" And I was like, "Yeah, I know." Because she does get totally pissed that I buy more books even though I don't finish reading the old ones even though I get to all of them eventually. It's even harder to have time to read now that I'm a college student. But, that's pretty much all I'm going to be doing July and August.

I went to the city to get some last minute clothing for London and bought way too many leggings for my own good. I really need to get serious about packing because I leave on Monday. I also really wish I wasn't "cute" so that sleazy guys wouldn't try to pick me up every time I go to the city. It's very disconcerting, at best.

I need to seriously detox and/or go to bed.

I went to the Buzzsaw Party in that little fuzzy line between yesterday and today (and I don't use this cliched description solely because I was slightly inebriated). Admittedly, I wasn't in the best of moods. Sherry had a well intentioned plan to split cab fare together (we were off to different parties, she to Newswatch and I to Buzzsaw), and I was supposed to come down and get her in a couple of minutes (at which point she should have been ready), but she takes ten more minutes, and we missed the cab (apparently, the thing came around three times) to which she ended up hitching a ride with some kids going in the same direction. What the fuck. It just pisses me off because

a) I wasn't going to go with her anyway, I was going to arrive "fashionably late"
b) Even after it was clearly her fault we missed the cab, she only offers the lamethetic excuse "We weren't that late"

So, I was ridiculously early -- no one was in the house at the time except the guys that lived on the first floor, so I just watched them play beer pong until the party started (but to their credit, they were extremely cordial), and in a funk, so I wasn't really enjoying myself. Ian (this guy with amazing penmanship from my Men's Lives class) showed up, extremely drunk and gave me a hug, which I totally didn't expect at all because our conversations in class, while really nice, were kind of forced (or at least I felt they were), but I didn't feel like anyone was really talking to me, they were all just eschewing me, and I contemplated alcohol, but I didn't want that to be a motive for drinking if I was going to indulge in it. So, I was sitting on the couch, poring over Matt Farrell's AP Stylebook when these two guys sit down and start talking to me. I had a really nice conversation with them and then they introduced me to their friends (Ian sat with us for a while, too), and I was able to have a nice time after that. I drank after that too, but when I do drink, my motive's not getting drunk.

And, I did a lot of dancing. I never feel too comfortable dancing, but tonight I wouldn't say I "let loose" by any means but I definitely didn't feel awkward dancing, and that's my tendency most of the time. I think the dancing highlight of the night was definitely dancing to some R. Kelly song with Matt Farrell. He just took my hand and started dancing with me so I just followed his movements and it was pretty sweet. And, I gave Mike Berlin (as well as all the other senior editors) hugs before I left. And, dammit, I took pictures. It's about fucking time.

Mike(after I took a picture of him with Elliott, pointing at my camera's LCD screen): Oh my god, Elliott, do you remember that moment right here?
Elliott:...No.

Before I left, this guy told me that he thought my Scientology article from two issues back was really well written and researched so I really appreciate him saying that. Then, when I got back to my room, Jess and I watched Little Miss Sunshine.

So, in a nutshell, it was amazing and I met so many new people. My hangover tomorrow, however, will not be. And, could I not have finals in two days, kthx

Okay, so I wake up at 11:45 this morning, after going to bed at 3:45-4ish at morning (at this point, I've been pulling so many all-nighters that going to bed at regular hours [regular, humane hours for me are about 12-1 AM] seems absurd), and my throat is dry and I find my ice-cream outside the fridge, two pints, and a note my roommate left me:

I forgot to tell you we're losing our fridge at 2PM today D:

It's great she left me the note.

It's not great that she already took the liberty of unplugging the fridge when milk and other perishables are still there. The ice cream's liquified now and even though I put it in the big fridge downstairs (with labels!), I really don't see myself eating it. I'm not sure how long ago she did that, but I obviously didn't wake up early enough to recover the food in a timely fashion. So, that wasn't the most glamorous way to wake up. And, I have colossal amounts of work to do over the next three days before Finals start. This is just a sampling:

• Write two essays (2-4 pages each) on an Emily Dickinson and John Keats poem, respectively and by the way, I really hate Swafford for this right now


• Watch 4-5 episodes of The Office for my Men's Lives visual project


• Study for my non-cumulative Philosophy Exam


• Revise/otherwise seriously retool four pieces for Creative Writing portfolio and write a stylistic analysis on No Life aka the greatest short story ever


• Write/revise Part I and II of my Critical Thinking papers

To say it another way, it's fucking insane. But then I'm done with finals/freshman year of college. And that's a pretty swell accomplishment.

And then I go to London, literally a week later. So excited(!). Speaking of which, I still have to give Part II of the package to OIP on Monday. I have no bloody clue why I forgot about that. I was done, anyway. I've just been too busy to process anything that isn't these papers, I suppose. Hopefully I'll be able to write a longer reflection of the year (which I probably won't do on LJ) at some point.

Also, I'm not really sure why I went HTML-happy on this entry.

Really, Apple? I beg to differ. I find Safari to be tons clunkier than Opera. Plus, it's tons more aesthetically pleasing than Safari will ever be, so, stop h8ing, Apple.

Bah. I'm starting to find Apple a bit off-putting, myself.

So, Jim Swafford finally found out I was an MLK Scholar. I'm really not sure why I don't like to broadcast that fact. I guess I don't really feel comfortable in the role, still, I but I worry my professors will hold me to an unrealistic standard that I ultimately can't fulfill. Usually it's something my professors find out one way or another, though. It's not something I broadcast, sure, but what troubles me is that I almost am covert about it. But, anyway, he found out through Fuse, my school's prospective quarterly magazine thing. They did a feature on MLK Scholars, and my picture was there, so when I came into class, he said, "Oh, you're famous!" And I had absolutely no clue what he was on about until he showed me the page, and lo and behold, there I was. Curiously enough, no mention of me in the actual article. Anyway, after class, he asked when I went on the trip to Alabama, and I told him how I went during Fall Break, and how retrospectively, I would have done more to maybe merge within the group (my behavior then still makes me retch, even though there's probably nothing I could have really done back then), although the cliquiness due to too many similar majors was really troublesome to me during the trip. I told him about how we travel internationally over winter break and he said that if I ever needed to invite anyone, he was definitely available. Aw, I'd really love it if he could come on trips with me. It'd be lovely to have someone (mainly, him) to keep me company. He probably can't though, which makes me sad.

There are so many things I want to do, and wish to do, but four (shortly becoming three) years doesn't seem nearly enough time to do it all before I'm chuffed off to the real world (but I most likely will be doing grad school, hopefully at Harvard, as at the current moment, I'm taken by an obsession). I really want to be able to one day be able to take amazing photographs, because I look at people's lomographs on the Internet, and it's so inspiring how they can capture a moment so perfectly. I don't know, the fact that I currently take shitty photos bothers me a little more than it should. Sometimes I wonder why I even bought the S3 IS when I never use it. I want a lot of things, expensive things, too many things. There are so many things I want to learn about, so many things I want to do but I'm so limited in how much I can accomplish.

I had this ridiculously long conversation with Ben Crane after class, and he is so inspiring, he really is. I think the truth is something I'm going to have to put a lot of effort into finding, but it's something I really want to do to enrich myself as a person. It's still so disgusting how much advertising influences what information we do and don't receive. I don't think I really had a realistic view of the scope until today's class. The news is something I pursue so half-heartedly, but I want to make an honest attempt to remain informed, and I want the attempt to not just be empty words but something honest. I have been reading the BBC's website more often, but I could be doing more, at the same time.

I have so much to do, but a lot (like my creative writing portfolio) I can't even really start until I have the conference, so it's going to be an odd weekend in terms of getting things done. I should probably prioritize it at some point.

Okay, so, you know how I said I was going to go downtown more?

I lied. But I just came back from the Buzzsaw Party downtown at the Lost Dog Lounge, feeling imbued with a sense of responsibility and hopefulness for the future. I feel like next year is going to be a new opportunity to get involved. I've definitely been looking at it on a very despairing note as of late, but if I actually make an effort to be more active, I think some good will come out of it. Hopefully, I can get involved with current and satiate my appetite for media in that way. And, I just got offered an internship, so hopefully I am eligible to do this, but I'm going to apply for a couple of other positions just in case, just because some work experience would be nice to have in my life.

And, I talked to Rebecca Plante after class, and not that I wasn't sold on the fact before, but she's pretty much amazing and I heart her. Seriously. After class, she was showing us her sticker books, from this British-based company, and naturally, I was of course entranced by the stickers but, this is the girl that almost chose a college based on whether or not they gave her stickers, so I came over and she gave me stickers proving that, yeah, I'm basically six years old! Then, we had a conversation about how we choose things based on either function or aesthetic, and we got to talking about my project, and it sounds do-able, so I'm relieved about that. Class was simply excellent today, and I think that she brought up an important point that I think is worth repeating or at least keeping in my conscious recollection: Why do men and women pit themselves against one another in a competition, when in our society, we both lose as a result? I don't know, now that I think about it, I did learn a lot of valuable things in that class. And I'm totally buying some stickers from that company.

Two weeks left of school, woahhhhz.